There are many lines in countless poems that resonate with me. I’m going to tell you about one line from one poem. In the sincere and hopeful If I Should Have a Daughter, Sarah Kay tells the world “On a scale from one to over trusting, I am pretty darn naive” .
Me too, Sarah, me too. I’ve had enough of a lot of people’s bullshit, but this month, I am sick and tired of a certain kind of bullshit. Lies that can be told in with absolute sincerity, lies that people tell (perhaps) with the intention of actually carrying them out, lies that will never actually become reality, yet I can actually build images in my head of them coming to life. These are lies that I really want to come true, despite being completely aware that they are complete and utter bullshit and I’m an idiot for believing them. These lies I’m talking about are dressed up and better known in the big beautiful world as sweet nothings.
I’ve been told many a sweet nothing, an believed them up until it is crystal clear that they are exactly that: nothing. I suppose I fall for them because they are sweet, and they are what I want to hear. I am trusting to the point where it’s downright naivety. Let me share some of the nothings that I thought could be something.
"I still want to be with you in five year’s time." We broke up the next day.
"I want to make you happy." Someone should tell this particular ex-girlfriend that spending almost three months verbally abusing someone is the wrong way to go about making them happy.
"We should go to Venice next summer." We broke up two months later, and I still haven’t been to Venice.
"I really like you, but I have to break up with my girlfriend before this goes any further." This delight was sent via text message two days after she told me she was single and slept with me. It didn’t go any further, she didn’t actually like me.
"I love you." This may be the worst one, because it was followed two weeks later by the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever been told, mostly because the following is true, and I knew it all along, but I chose to believe the former, the lie. "I don’t think I will ever love you."
I suppose the reason I fell for these lies is that at the time, they were exactly what I wanted to hear. Some of them were told years ago, some mere weeks ago. I’ve grown, matured, been in different relationships, but all these relationships were the same. I still want what I can’t have. It’s very simple. I want to be loved. I crave the love of strangers so much that I’ve been in relationships with girls I don’t love. I’m not writing this and claiming to be perfect. I’ve also said my fair share of sweet nothing, including the one that I think is the worst. I’m definitely not the only one, if my past lovers have taught me anything.
To make it worse, just like my lovers, I have never apologised for my sweet nothings. If I’m the good person that I try to be, then I would have. Now I feel like it’s too late. Life goes on, you lose contact with people, new phones mean new numbers, new girls come into the picture, but if I had the chance, I would apologise. After falling for so many lies, I know firsthand how much they hurt, and I understand that they do not need to be told. Based purely on my own experiences, the only reason I can think for these lies being told is to keep a relationship, or hope for some sort of relationship, whether or not both parties actually want it. But under the cover of these lies (that are often told under the covers) is the truth: if you have to lie to try and keep and relationship together, then it’s already over. Don’t lie, even if it just a sweet nothing, especially if you’re just saying it because you know it is what your lover wants to hear. This is the new thing I’m trying out in relationships. On my first run, I had my heart broken. She told me a lot of sweet nothings. I can stop telling them, maybe one day I’ll also stop falling for them.