The Inner Condition

There is something so bland about being ordinary. The thought of being like everyone else, following society’s footsteps, making the safe and rational choice have become intensely unappealing to me. I meant to write about this topic a while ago due to my hate relationship with ordinary, but I kept pushing it back for some reason or the other.  However, recently I have been battling a tough fight against ordinary and I fear I have been miserably losing, which has been particularly difficult to digest.

In my opinion being ordinary is living half a life.  It’s following others; it’s taking the easier route because it’s a route that is already paved for you; it’s the path of least resistance.  Being ordinary means that you fail to think out of the box and you struggle to challenge society’s trends.  You become a follower.  Risk becomes seldom, surprise becomes rare and fulfillment of life becomes empty.  On the other hand, I also understand, although criticize, that many prefer this path as it provides routine, comfort, and ease and sets a context where fear of unexpected change is not tampered with.  Let’s face it; life can be hard as it is.

I on the other hand, try to live my life breaking boundaries.  I take risks; I choose fun and unique hobbies.  I try to experience all of what life has to offer.  I remain particularly independent and defy the notion of conventionalism.  My lifestyle may shock some who claim I am an eternal delinquent adolescent, while it continues to surprise and worry my family who is already quite unorthodox.  I am drawn to people who are like-minded and find myself enamored by their avant-garde ways.  These are the people who inspire me; these are the people who teach me, and what better way to live life than to learn indefinitely.

I have always lived life based on my beliefs, but during the last two years, I have definitely realized my instinct to be different. I have taken tremendous risk and lived every day as if it were my last (sounds cheesy, but it’s true).  The last two years have been my richest years; the years in which I have learned the most and that have been the most gratifying.

I cannot deny the difficulty I faced to sustain such a lifestyle. I cannot deny the constant instability and the fear of not knowing what’s next.  I cannot avoid the frustration and constant burden of being criticized by others for being myself, and the constant need to justify myself to those who care and worry about me.   All this to say, the last two years have brought me so much and defined me as me, while the focal need to prove myself has severely drained me. (pause) Alas, I am tired.

And so this last month, I have been contemplating a fine balance between ordinary and extraordinary, stability and instability or better yet, colourless and colourful.

Gloomily, my weariness drove me to choose the easy route, a route that I criticize, a route that I am not proud of, but a route that will provide me with stability, which will give me the time to rest, and the space to refill my energy.

The battle may be lost for now, but I am only building my ammunition and will come back remarkable as ever to reanimate my world of blissful chaos; my life.

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