Progressive Regression

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I am staring blankly at my computer. 

I am challengingly writing my to do list for the day, the week, and contemplating what to do with my life. 

“What to do with my life?”; a sizable question that has become a reoccurring theme I fumble with regularly. 

The last couple of years have been the most humbling and most uncontrollable years I have ever lived. The last couple of years have nourished me with travels, discoveries, different perspectives, but have been the focal cause of my existential state and my existential question that I fear not know the answer of: What to do with my life?

In the last couple of years, I have decided to act boldly, break from my routine, my well paying job, my comfortable life, my pretty and perfect condo and do what many evade doing; I reevaluated my life. I was happy, don’t get me wrong. I almost had everything, health, my family, money and a balanced life, but I knew that it wasn’t enough and I could tell that my sense of contentment was becoming hollower.

I left for a humanitarian mission in the Middle East to only discover four months in that my work permit wasn’t granted. I got reposted to another country to once again face, four months in, another issue that forced me to rush back home. I tried to keep my head high and waste no time.  I wasn’t too sure what to do next, so I did what many unemployed people would do, I went back to school to complete a Master degree. 

Three months in, my university department went on strike.

“Jamais deux sans trois” as they say in French. 

It seemed life was out of reach, out of control and was tumbling down on me.  What I planned for was being answered with a negative.

And so I had to reevaluate life, but this time around, without my well paying job, my comfortable life, and without my pretty and perfect condo.

I decided to adopt a new attitude that was far from who I was and what I believed in. I became passive towards life. Instead of going for what I desired, I waited for it to come to me.  Unfortunately this strategy didn’t prove to be fruitful either.

So here I am at another crossroad, reigniting my active and conquering drive that is off to a slow start as it is stumbling on the first and most important question: What to do with my life?

ENDNOTES: Amal is a lost soul permanently trying to find her way.  She treasures humour in life’s daily dramas and loves to share her anecdotes at amalsreverie.tumblr.com.

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